It's been six months...six months of hell and heaven, make ups and break ups and at the end of it all I'm where I want to be...nothing is perfect and nothing ever will be but I feel closer to it than I have probably ever.
This is not simply due to the fact that my mother moved to Oklahoma leaving me here to live on my own which resulted in me moving in with Erik. No, this is about me. This is about contenting me with my life again. It's about the fact that I don't feel like I'm settling or like I am not asking for all that I truly want.
For a long time now, I have felt like I wasn't allowed to have the things that I want. I have felt like I should be simply overjoyed with the things that I have and to want more was selfish and spoiled, in a certain sense. And it wasn't so much that I wasn't finding joys in the things I had. It was that I had let go of things that I had desired for a lifetime. Things that I wanted to have or things that I always felt I would need in my life had been brushed aside, not only by the people around me but by me as well. Every time the desire to have more would pop up I would feel guilty and ashamed and then I would get depressed because I desired things I didn't have and according to all my fantasies should have immediately gotten when finding "my true love."
I am not some meek flower to lay by the wayside hoping to be picked up and become one of many in the bouquet of someone else's life. That was never my destiny and I was beginning to make myself into that. Not because anyone asked me to but because fear held my willpower. I was too afraid of Erik walking away from me if I wasn't some push over that would do anything he asked. Now, it's not that I don't fear him leaving, it's that I know I'll survive I might not be as happy but I will find the joys in life. I can't live my life for someone else. I can't make it about him. I will always love him and I am the luckiest woman alive that I get to be with him. But he's pretty lucky too, he gets to have me.
I have a choice and he is that choice and always will be but I am still in control. I still make the choice.
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