What sound is there after the wedding bells stop ringing..........

Watching: The Social Network (also longed onto Facebook...irony is mine own best friend)
Listening: Glee soundtracks (yes, I listen to music while logged onto social networks and watching movies "based on" said social network....called social network)
Reading: My own notebooks...........
Mood: Unsure

I have a lot of things to say a lot of things to do and I'm not really sure where to begin. This will be disjointed. This will not flow and I know this. This does have to do with the fact that I am currently not focused on even just one other thing. This also has to do with the fact that I have NO IDEA what the HELL is going on in my life. I will completely admit that this post has more to do with the fact that in the beginning of the movie the character of Mark Zuckerburg is blogging and building the site of facemash.com and it "inspired" me.

It's 9AM and I have been up since 22:30 I would explain that but I feel that if one you are bothering to actually read this and/or two you actually care and don't know what that means that you have the unique ability to either find out what that means or intrinsically know what it means. One of the many, MANY reasons I don't blog very often or write in a journal/notebook very often is because I don't have feel as if my life is very interesting. I could be one of those people that talk about every hangnail and thought that runs through my head but I just can't. And I do mean can't. I have an intense inability to write things like...OMG! I broke my nail today. It was while I was cracking an egg for dinner because I decided to be a REBEL and eat breakfast for dinner...so it's kinda like din-fast or break-ner. That right there almost killed my soul. The only thing that kills my soul more than writing crap like that........other than for the comedic value of it...the irony of it..........is where I live...Tulsa, OK. Is there a place more soul crushing, more creatively strangling than Tulsa, OK?????? I would venture to say no. Now, I understand that this statement is very biased mostly due to the fact that as someone who lived and grew up in San Diego and moved to Tulsa for the sake of the economy and my mother. However, since I am that person, since I am the consummate California girl...you know other than the blond hair, blue eyes, surf abilities, and general hotness. That's not to say I'm not pretty...in fact I would go so far as to say that I am beautiful because I truly believe that I am...I'm just not what you think of when someone says California girl...and I'm certainly not Katy Perry........I will not be here for much longer. I CAN'T be here for much longer. My soul will literally die if I remain here because I am completely stifled here.

I can't say that this was a bad thing because being here FORCED me to grow up. This place forced me to see who and what I really am. And I truly and honestly am appreciative of that fact because with out it I would have either never seen or it would have taken the majority of my life. But now that I have grown now that I have found my outside myself again I'm done. Just as with school once it ends you go back home and apply what you have learned to your life. School doesn't last forever because there's no point in learning if you never apply it to your life. My life is not here this is where I went to school now it's time to go back home. Home is where the heart is and my heart is in California...more specifically my heart is in San Diego. I miss my home...I miss my heart.

UPDATE! UPDATE! READ ALL ABOUT IT!!!

It's been six months...six months of hell and heaven, make ups and break ups and at the end of it all I'm where I want to be...nothing is perfect and nothing ever will be but I feel closer to it than I have probably ever.


This is not simply due to the fact that my mother moved to Oklahoma leaving me here to live on my own which resulted in me moving in with Erik. No, this is about me. This is about contenting me with my life again. It's about the fact that I don't feel like I'm settling or like I am not asking for all that I truly want.


For a long time now, I have felt like I wasn't allowed to have the things that I want. I have felt like I should be simply overjoyed with the things that I have and to want more was selfish and spoiled, in a certain sense. And it wasn't so much that I wasn't finding joys in the things I had. It was that I had let go of things that I had desired for a lifetime. Things that I wanted to have or things that I always felt I would need in my life had been brushed aside, not only by the people around me but by me as well. Every time the desire to have more would pop up I would feel guilty and ashamed and then I would get depressed because I desired things I didn't have and according to all my fantasies should have immediately gotten when finding "my true love."


I am not some meek flower to lay by the wayside hoping to be picked up and become one of many in the bouquet of someone else's life. That was never my destiny and I was beginning to make myself into that. Not because anyone asked me to but because fear held my willpower. I was too afraid of Erik walking away from me if I wasn't some push over that would do anything he asked. Now, it's not that I don't fear him leaving, it's that I know I'll survive I might not be as happy but I will find the joys in life. I can't live my life for someone else. I can't make it about him. I will always love him and I am the luckiest woman alive that I get to be with him. But he's pretty lucky too, he gets to have me.


I have a choice and he is that choice and always will be but I am still in control. I still make the choice.

Randomness...

I suppose there comes a time in everyone’s life where they have to make the hard decision to live for themselves or allow others to dictate how they feel and what they are going to do with their lives in general. Supposing that is true I suppose that the time for that in my life is now…

I have to make the decision whether or not I am going to hold onto a dream that I don’t truly see coming true or I have to let it go and I don’t think I can truly survive emotionally or mentally if I don’t make the decision and stick to it…there can be no take backs or half-assing this one… 

There is always the option of giving it time but I don’t really feel like time is what it needs I feel like a miracle is what it needs to succeed so what’s the point of waiting at the same time if I don’t give it the adequate amount of time I will always wonder what if…what if I hadn’t been scared to let it happen…what if I had just been patient…what if…

I am tired of being the one that has to suffer I am tired of being the one that has to sacrifice. I am willing to do what it takes but I don’t think that it’s fair if I’m the only one giving anything up. What happens when all I am doing is laying down and allowing people to walk all over me and use me at their convenience? I cannot allow people to think they are allowed to do that to me simply because life’s hard for them…WAKE UP people life is hard for everyone deal with it  and then the question becomes am I being a hypocrite by telling others to get over the fact that life is hard and not allowing them space and time and usage of me when the hardest part about my life is that others use me…maybe its me who needs to get over it…perhaps I should just accept and deal with the consequences of being the person that I am…OR maybe I should change who and what I am so that people no longer use me…NAH that’s never gonna happen…I WILL NEVER CHANGE FOR OTHER PEOPLE ONLY MYSELF…but then again isn’t that changing for myself…isn’t that changing so that I can survive…survival is not a good enough reason to change who I am though…OR is it?

the next chapter...

There are many times that I feel like I was meant to be born in a different time, a different place, a different person…I watch all these movies, read all these books, hear all these stories about this epic love that transcends time and distance to bring two hearts together in the most special and romantic of ways. It’s a love I never imagined was intended for me…of course I longed for it and prayed for it but I never saw it truly to be in my future. I thought I had found it. I thought that for once life had finally given me a bit of freedom from the pain, from the heartache that is my reality. I wish I never had I wish life hadn’t given me a moment of happiness and then ripped it away from me. That line about it being better to have loved and lost than never loved at all is really only true if you lose that love in some sort of natural way (i.e. death) when it jut goes away cause it “needs time and space” its not so fun or such a great time. It doesn’t feel like it’s been great to have loved at all in fact it feels much like having your heart broken into a million little pieces and nothing and no one can put them together again. It’s a pain so acute I wouldn’t truly wish it on my worst enemy. It changes a person and sometimes not for the better…

I can tell myself all I want that I won’t allow it to happen ever again but I didn’t “allow” it to happen in the first place so to claim that I suddenly have some sort of control over this is ridiculous…BUT I can certainly try…even if it is a futile task…

This was supposed to be the first Christmas of the rest of my life and now its just another one that will come and go just like the rest of the holidays that were supposed to suddenly mean so much more…

BTW...my entire life rainy days were my favorite thing and now that I can't cuddle with HIM I HATE them...

Ch Ch Ch Changes....

I woke up this morning not knowing what the rest of my life would hold in any real respect. I couldn't know because the one thing I would always choose to be my constant wasn't really communicating with me.

As usual, my first thought was of Erik, so I called him and he actually answered...

He LOVES me! I don't really know what this means or where we are going but he does love me and now I just have to see what happens I suppose....

First Real Foray

Listening to Christina Perri "Jar of Hearts" - AWESOME SONG!!!
Sitting on bed
Mood: Skeptical

The sense of being betrayed is so intense that I’m not really sure what to do about it. My biggest source of anxiety is the fact that I could be totally wrong or I could be totally right. I can’t even explain how devastated I would be if it turned out that I was right but the not knowing is killing me as well. The constant need to have the information is not really something I can ignore. However, I’m never given the opportunity to get the information which only makes me think that I am right more. If there’s nothing to hide there should be no reason to avoid the subject. I just feel in my gut like something is truly wrong something that cannot be fixed nor overcome. I feel bad because I feel like I’m giving up on something that I need something that can make me happy in a way that I will never really find again. I’m giving up on trying though not what made me happy or the knowledge that it cannot be replaced. I can’t even imagine allowing anyone that close again not because of the possibility of getting hurt but because no one will ever come close to being the exact match the puzzle piece to my soul. I can’t imagine feeling about anyone the way Erik makes me feel still. He’s the only one that I ever considered husband and father material. I always imagined having kids but until he came along I didn’t trust anyone to be the father of my children I never really could see spending forever with anyone and the fact that I want to have his children to have him be the father of my children is huge. That’s something I never really thought I would have I was content with the idea of never finding my soul mate the one person who would complete a part of me that isn’t necessary but is always dreamed of. I am content with the fact that I will never have that again and in all honesty I don’t really want to try to find something to fill the void I don’t want that because I don’t see that happening in any way shape or form. I have pretty much come to the conclusion that I will actually be alone that this was my one shot and if it didn’t work I not going to find it and I’m not giving up because I got to experience the best of the best the truest happiness the world can know and so I’m not settling in any way in fact because I already had the cream of the crop if I go trying to test the water again I will be settling or simply setting myself up for failure. Since I don’t do well with failure, I think it would be beneficial for all involved if I simply took myself out of the game. Admittedly, I was never honestly in the game to begin with and perhaps that was one of my favorite things about the way that Erik and I began our relationship we were neither of us in the game consciously however we knew immediately that we can be perfection.

Friday...Turning Point?????????????????

Friday...I went for a drive and received a phone call from him saying people were trying to get a hold of me through him and I needed to take care of that because he didn't want the phone calls anymore...

After dealing with my people, I called him back to thank him for the information and let him know that I took care of it so if they called it was about something else...I never got to tell him those things...Erik picked up the phone and told me "STOP CALLING ME!" and immediately hung up...

I sent a text message stating my purpose in calling and 30 minutes later sent him a second text message

I'm moving to OK if you care you can call me otherwise thanks for the good times and I'm sorry you don't want to even be friends

Saturday (yesterday)..........

At 11:45 am, I received a phone call from Erik. He was "sorry for the way [he] treated" me. He was "going through some shit" and couldn't stand living in his house any longer. He had to get away. I couldn't help but tell him he broke my heart. And then he made me cry...he told me he loves me......it was something I was sure I would never hear from him again...after about 7 minutes he asked if he could "call later." I needed more than that I asked if he was actually going to call or if I should just not bother hoping..."I'll call later" was the response I got....

At 7:30 pm, I received a second phone call one of the most awkward I've ever had....it lasted less than 4 minutes and I got hung up on because he was driving and there was a cop...

45 minutes later after getting a single text message from him saying simply "cop" I text messaged him

I love you but I won't be treated like I don't matter

There was a cop

I understand that but that's not what I'm talking about. Am I gonna talk to you tonight?

I never received a response....

At 10:30 I tried to call him myself...his phone was turned off....so I sent him a text message

I'm sorry I'm frustrated right now and I [feel] like talking to you [but] I [don't] feel like I'm getting the chance and that hurts