Sitting on bed
Mood: Skeptical
The sense of being betrayed is so intense that I’m not really sure what to do about it. My biggest source of anxiety is the fact that I could be totally wrong or I could be totally right. I can’t even explain how devastated I would be if it turned out that I was right but the not knowing is killing me as well. The constant need to have the information is not really something I can ignore. However, I’m never given the opportunity to get the information which only makes me think that I am right more. If there’s nothing to hide there should be no reason to avoid the subject. I just feel in my gut like something is truly wrong something that cannot be fixed nor overcome. I feel bad because I feel like I’m giving up on something that I need something that can make me happy in a way that I will never really find again. I’m giving up on trying though not what made me happy or the knowledge that it cannot be replaced. I can’t even imagine allowing anyone that close again not because of the possibility of getting hurt but because no one will ever come close to being the exact match the puzzle piece to my soul. I can’t imagine feeling about anyone the way Erik makes me feel still. He’s the only one that I ever considered husband and father material. I always imagined having kids but until he came along I didn’t trust anyone to be the father of my children I never really could see spending forever with anyone and the fact that I want to have his children to have him be the father of my children is huge. That’s something I never really thought I would have I was content with the idea of never finding my soul mate the one person who would complete a part of me that isn’t necessary but is always dreamed of. I am content with the fact that I will never have that again and in all honesty I don’t really want to try to find something to fill the void I don’t want that because I don’t see that happening in any way shape or form. I have pretty much come to the conclusion that I will actually be alone that this was my one shot and if it didn’t work I not going to find it and I’m not giving up because I got to experience the best of the best the truest happiness the world can know and so I’m not settling in any way in fact because I already had the cream of the crop if I go trying to test the water again I will be settling or simply setting myself up for failure. Since I don’t do well with failure, I think it would be beneficial for all involved if I simply took myself out of the game. Admittedly, I was never honestly in the game to begin with and perhaps that was one of my favorite things about the way that Erik and I began our relationship we were neither of us in the game consciously however we knew immediately that we can be perfection.
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