the next chapter...

There are many times that I feel like I was meant to be born in a different time, a different place, a different person…I watch all these movies, read all these books, hear all these stories about this epic love that transcends time and distance to bring two hearts together in the most special and romantic of ways. It’s a love I never imagined was intended for me…of course I longed for it and prayed for it but I never saw it truly to be in my future. I thought I had found it. I thought that for once life had finally given me a bit of freedom from the pain, from the heartache that is my reality. I wish I never had I wish life hadn’t given me a moment of happiness and then ripped it away from me. That line about it being better to have loved and lost than never loved at all is really only true if you lose that love in some sort of natural way (i.e. death) when it jut goes away cause it “needs time and space” its not so fun or such a great time. It doesn’t feel like it’s been great to have loved at all in fact it feels much like having your heart broken into a million little pieces and nothing and no one can put them together again. It’s a pain so acute I wouldn’t truly wish it on my worst enemy. It changes a person and sometimes not for the better…

I can tell myself all I want that I won’t allow it to happen ever again but I didn’t “allow” it to happen in the first place so to claim that I suddenly have some sort of control over this is ridiculous…BUT I can certainly try…even if it is a futile task…

This was supposed to be the first Christmas of the rest of my life and now its just another one that will come and go just like the rest of the holidays that were supposed to suddenly mean so much more…

BTW...my entire life rainy days were my favorite thing and now that I can't cuddle with HIM I HATE them...