Watching: The Social Network (also longed onto Facebook...irony is mine own best friend)
Listening: Glee soundtracks (yes, I listen to music while logged onto social networks and watching movies "based on" said social network....called social network)
Reading: My own notebooks...........
Mood: Unsure
I have a lot of things to say a lot of things to do and I'm not really sure where to begin. This will be disjointed. This will not flow and I know this. This does have to do with the fact that I am currently not focused on even just one other thing. This also has to do with the fact that I have NO IDEA what the HELL is going on in my life. I will completely admit that this post has more to do with the fact that in the beginning of the movie the character of Mark Zuckerburg is blogging and building the site of facemash.com and it "inspired" me.
It's 9AM and I have been up since 22:30 I would explain that but I feel that if one you are bothering to actually read this and/or two you actually care and don't know what that means that you have the unique ability to either find out what that means or intrinsically know what it means. One of the many, MANY reasons I don't blog very often or write in a journal/notebook very often is because I don't have feel as if my life is very interesting. I could be one of those people that talk about every hangnail and thought that runs through my head but I just can't. And I do mean can't. I have an intense inability to write things like...OMG! I broke my nail today. It was while I was cracking an egg for dinner because I decided to be a REBEL and eat breakfast for dinner...so it's kinda like din-fast or break-ner. That right there almost killed my soul. The only thing that kills my soul more than writing crap like that........other than for the comedic value of it...the irony of it..........is where I live...Tulsa, OK. Is there a place more soul crushing, more creatively strangling than Tulsa, OK?????? I would venture to say no. Now, I understand that this statement is very biased mostly due to the fact that as someone who lived and grew up in San Diego and moved to Tulsa for the sake of the economy and my mother. However, since I am that person, since I am the consummate California girl...you know other than the blond hair, blue eyes, surf abilities, and general hotness. That's not to say I'm not pretty...in fact I would go so far as to say that I am beautiful because I truly believe that I am...I'm just not what you think of when someone says California girl...and I'm certainly not Katy Perry........I will not be here for much longer. I CAN'T be here for much longer. My soul will literally die if I remain here because I am completely stifled here.
I can't say that this was a bad thing because being here FORCED me to grow up. This place forced me to see who and what I really am. And I truly and honestly am appreciative of that fact because with out it I would have either never seen or it would have taken the majority of my life. But now that I have grown now that I have found my outside myself again I'm done. Just as with school once it ends you go back home and apply what you have learned to your life. School doesn't last forever because there's no point in learning if you never apply it to your life. My life is not here this is where I went to school now it's time to go back home. Home is where the heart is and my heart is in California...more specifically my heart is in San Diego. I miss my home...I miss my heart.
Friday, November 4, 2011
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
UPDATE! UPDATE! READ ALL ABOUT IT!!!
It's been six months...six months of hell and heaven, make ups and break ups and at the end of it all I'm where I want to be...nothing is perfect and nothing ever will be but I feel closer to it than I have probably ever.
This is not simply due to the fact that my mother moved to Oklahoma leaving me here to live on my own which resulted in me moving in with Erik. No, this is about me. This is about contenting me with my life again. It's about the fact that I don't feel like I'm settling or like I am not asking for all that I truly want.
For a long time now, I have felt like I wasn't allowed to have the things that I want. I have felt like I should be simply overjoyed with the things that I have and to want more was selfish and spoiled, in a certain sense. And it wasn't so much that I wasn't finding joys in the things I had. It was that I had let go of things that I had desired for a lifetime. Things that I wanted to have or things that I always felt I would need in my life had been brushed aside, not only by the people around me but by me as well. Every time the desire to have more would pop up I would feel guilty and ashamed and then I would get depressed because I desired things I didn't have and according to all my fantasies should have immediately gotten when finding "my true love."
I am not some meek flower to lay by the wayside hoping to be picked up and become one of many in the bouquet of someone else's life. That was never my destiny and I was beginning to make myself into that. Not because anyone asked me to but because fear held my willpower. I was too afraid of Erik walking away from me if I wasn't some push over that would do anything he asked. Now, it's not that I don't fear him leaving, it's that I know I'll survive I might not be as happy but I will find the joys in life. I can't live my life for someone else. I can't make it about him. I will always love him and I am the luckiest woman alive that I get to be with him. But he's pretty lucky too, he gets to have me.
I have a choice and he is that choice and always will be but I am still in control. I still make the choice.
This is not simply due to the fact that my mother moved to Oklahoma leaving me here to live on my own which resulted in me moving in with Erik. No, this is about me. This is about contenting me with my life again. It's about the fact that I don't feel like I'm settling or like I am not asking for all that I truly want.
For a long time now, I have felt like I wasn't allowed to have the things that I want. I have felt like I should be simply overjoyed with the things that I have and to want more was selfish and spoiled, in a certain sense. And it wasn't so much that I wasn't finding joys in the things I had. It was that I had let go of things that I had desired for a lifetime. Things that I wanted to have or things that I always felt I would need in my life had been brushed aside, not only by the people around me but by me as well. Every time the desire to have more would pop up I would feel guilty and ashamed and then I would get depressed because I desired things I didn't have and according to all my fantasies should have immediately gotten when finding "my true love."
I am not some meek flower to lay by the wayside hoping to be picked up and become one of many in the bouquet of someone else's life. That was never my destiny and I was beginning to make myself into that. Not because anyone asked me to but because fear held my willpower. I was too afraid of Erik walking away from me if I wasn't some push over that would do anything he asked. Now, it's not that I don't fear him leaving, it's that I know I'll survive I might not be as happy but I will find the joys in life. I can't live my life for someone else. I can't make it about him. I will always love him and I am the luckiest woman alive that I get to be with him. But he's pretty lucky too, he gets to have me.
I have a choice and he is that choice and always will be but I am still in control. I still make the choice.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)