Randomness...

I suppose there comes a time in everyone’s life where they have to make the hard decision to live for themselves or allow others to dictate how they feel and what they are going to do with their lives in general. Supposing that is true I suppose that the time for that in my life is now…

I have to make the decision whether or not I am going to hold onto a dream that I don’t truly see coming true or I have to let it go and I don’t think I can truly survive emotionally or mentally if I don’t make the decision and stick to it…there can be no take backs or half-assing this one… 

There is always the option of giving it time but I don’t really feel like time is what it needs I feel like a miracle is what it needs to succeed so what’s the point of waiting at the same time if I don’t give it the adequate amount of time I will always wonder what if…what if I hadn’t been scared to let it happen…what if I had just been patient…what if…

I am tired of being the one that has to suffer I am tired of being the one that has to sacrifice. I am willing to do what it takes but I don’t think that it’s fair if I’m the only one giving anything up. What happens when all I am doing is laying down and allowing people to walk all over me and use me at their convenience? I cannot allow people to think they are allowed to do that to me simply because life’s hard for them…WAKE UP people life is hard for everyone deal with it  and then the question becomes am I being a hypocrite by telling others to get over the fact that life is hard and not allowing them space and time and usage of me when the hardest part about my life is that others use me…maybe its me who needs to get over it…perhaps I should just accept and deal with the consequences of being the person that I am…OR maybe I should change who and what I am so that people no longer use me…NAH that’s never gonna happen…I WILL NEVER CHANGE FOR OTHER PEOPLE ONLY MYSELF…but then again isn’t that changing for myself…isn’t that changing so that I can survive…survival is not a good enough reason to change who I am though…OR is it?

the next chapter...

There are many times that I feel like I was meant to be born in a different time, a different place, a different person…I watch all these movies, read all these books, hear all these stories about this epic love that transcends time and distance to bring two hearts together in the most special and romantic of ways. It’s a love I never imagined was intended for me…of course I longed for it and prayed for it but I never saw it truly to be in my future. I thought I had found it. I thought that for once life had finally given me a bit of freedom from the pain, from the heartache that is my reality. I wish I never had I wish life hadn’t given me a moment of happiness and then ripped it away from me. That line about it being better to have loved and lost than never loved at all is really only true if you lose that love in some sort of natural way (i.e. death) when it jut goes away cause it “needs time and space” its not so fun or such a great time. It doesn’t feel like it’s been great to have loved at all in fact it feels much like having your heart broken into a million little pieces and nothing and no one can put them together again. It’s a pain so acute I wouldn’t truly wish it on my worst enemy. It changes a person and sometimes not for the better…

I can tell myself all I want that I won’t allow it to happen ever again but I didn’t “allow” it to happen in the first place so to claim that I suddenly have some sort of control over this is ridiculous…BUT I can certainly try…even if it is a futile task…

This was supposed to be the first Christmas of the rest of my life and now its just another one that will come and go just like the rest of the holidays that were supposed to suddenly mean so much more…

BTW...my entire life rainy days were my favorite thing and now that I can't cuddle with HIM I HATE them...