Randomness...

I suppose there comes a time in everyone’s life where they have to make the hard decision to live for themselves or allow others to dictate how they feel and what they are going to do with their lives in general. Supposing that is true I suppose that the time for that in my life is now…

I have to make the decision whether or not I am going to hold onto a dream that I don’t truly see coming true or I have to let it go and I don’t think I can truly survive emotionally or mentally if I don’t make the decision and stick to it…there can be no take backs or half-assing this one… 

There is always the option of giving it time but I don’t really feel like time is what it needs I feel like a miracle is what it needs to succeed so what’s the point of waiting at the same time if I don’t give it the adequate amount of time I will always wonder what if…what if I hadn’t been scared to let it happen…what if I had just been patient…what if…

I am tired of being the one that has to suffer I am tired of being the one that has to sacrifice. I am willing to do what it takes but I don’t think that it’s fair if I’m the only one giving anything up. What happens when all I am doing is laying down and allowing people to walk all over me and use me at their convenience? I cannot allow people to think they are allowed to do that to me simply because life’s hard for them…WAKE UP people life is hard for everyone deal with it  and then the question becomes am I being a hypocrite by telling others to get over the fact that life is hard and not allowing them space and time and usage of me when the hardest part about my life is that others use me…maybe its me who needs to get over it…perhaps I should just accept and deal with the consequences of being the person that I am…OR maybe I should change who and what I am so that people no longer use me…NAH that’s never gonna happen…I WILL NEVER CHANGE FOR OTHER PEOPLE ONLY MYSELF…but then again isn’t that changing for myself…isn’t that changing so that I can survive…survival is not a good enough reason to change who I am though…OR is it?

the next chapter...

There are many times that I feel like I was meant to be born in a different time, a different place, a different person…I watch all these movies, read all these books, hear all these stories about this epic love that transcends time and distance to bring two hearts together in the most special and romantic of ways. It’s a love I never imagined was intended for me…of course I longed for it and prayed for it but I never saw it truly to be in my future. I thought I had found it. I thought that for once life had finally given me a bit of freedom from the pain, from the heartache that is my reality. I wish I never had I wish life hadn’t given me a moment of happiness and then ripped it away from me. That line about it being better to have loved and lost than never loved at all is really only true if you lose that love in some sort of natural way (i.e. death) when it jut goes away cause it “needs time and space” its not so fun or such a great time. It doesn’t feel like it’s been great to have loved at all in fact it feels much like having your heart broken into a million little pieces and nothing and no one can put them together again. It’s a pain so acute I wouldn’t truly wish it on my worst enemy. It changes a person and sometimes not for the better…

I can tell myself all I want that I won’t allow it to happen ever again but I didn’t “allow” it to happen in the first place so to claim that I suddenly have some sort of control over this is ridiculous…BUT I can certainly try…even if it is a futile task…

This was supposed to be the first Christmas of the rest of my life and now its just another one that will come and go just like the rest of the holidays that were supposed to suddenly mean so much more…

BTW...my entire life rainy days were my favorite thing and now that I can't cuddle with HIM I HATE them...

Ch Ch Ch Changes....

I woke up this morning not knowing what the rest of my life would hold in any real respect. I couldn't know because the one thing I would always choose to be my constant wasn't really communicating with me.

As usual, my first thought was of Erik, so I called him and he actually answered...

He LOVES me! I don't really know what this means or where we are going but he does love me and now I just have to see what happens I suppose....

First Real Foray

Listening to Christina Perri "Jar of Hearts" - AWESOME SONG!!!
Sitting on bed
Mood: Skeptical

The sense of being betrayed is so intense that I’m not really sure what to do about it. My biggest source of anxiety is the fact that I could be totally wrong or I could be totally right. I can’t even explain how devastated I would be if it turned out that I was right but the not knowing is killing me as well. The constant need to have the information is not really something I can ignore. However, I’m never given the opportunity to get the information which only makes me think that I am right more. If there’s nothing to hide there should be no reason to avoid the subject. I just feel in my gut like something is truly wrong something that cannot be fixed nor overcome. I feel bad because I feel like I’m giving up on something that I need something that can make me happy in a way that I will never really find again. I’m giving up on trying though not what made me happy or the knowledge that it cannot be replaced. I can’t even imagine allowing anyone that close again not because of the possibility of getting hurt but because no one will ever come close to being the exact match the puzzle piece to my soul. I can’t imagine feeling about anyone the way Erik makes me feel still. He’s the only one that I ever considered husband and father material. I always imagined having kids but until he came along I didn’t trust anyone to be the father of my children I never really could see spending forever with anyone and the fact that I want to have his children to have him be the father of my children is huge. That’s something I never really thought I would have I was content with the idea of never finding my soul mate the one person who would complete a part of me that isn’t necessary but is always dreamed of. I am content with the fact that I will never have that again and in all honesty I don’t really want to try to find something to fill the void I don’t want that because I don’t see that happening in any way shape or form. I have pretty much come to the conclusion that I will actually be alone that this was my one shot and if it didn’t work I not going to find it and I’m not giving up because I got to experience the best of the best the truest happiness the world can know and so I’m not settling in any way in fact because I already had the cream of the crop if I go trying to test the water again I will be settling or simply setting myself up for failure. Since I don’t do well with failure, I think it would be beneficial for all involved if I simply took myself out of the game. Admittedly, I was never honestly in the game to begin with and perhaps that was one of my favorite things about the way that Erik and I began our relationship we were neither of us in the game consciously however we knew immediately that we can be perfection.

Friday...Turning Point?????????????????

Friday...I went for a drive and received a phone call from him saying people were trying to get a hold of me through him and I needed to take care of that because he didn't want the phone calls anymore...

After dealing with my people, I called him back to thank him for the information and let him know that I took care of it so if they called it was about something else...I never got to tell him those things...Erik picked up the phone and told me "STOP CALLING ME!" and immediately hung up...

I sent a text message stating my purpose in calling and 30 minutes later sent him a second text message

I'm moving to OK if you care you can call me otherwise thanks for the good times and I'm sorry you don't want to even be friends

Saturday (yesterday)..........

At 11:45 am, I received a phone call from Erik. He was "sorry for the way [he] treated" me. He was "going through some shit" and couldn't stand living in his house any longer. He had to get away. I couldn't help but tell him he broke my heart. And then he made me cry...he told me he loves me......it was something I was sure I would never hear from him again...after about 7 minutes he asked if he could "call later." I needed more than that I asked if he was actually going to call or if I should just not bother hoping..."I'll call later" was the response I got....

At 7:30 pm, I received a second phone call one of the most awkward I've ever had....it lasted less than 4 minutes and I got hung up on because he was driving and there was a cop...

45 minutes later after getting a single text message from him saying simply "cop" I text messaged him

I love you but I won't be treated like I don't matter

There was a cop

I understand that but that's not what I'm talking about. Am I gonna talk to you tonight?

I never received a response....

At 10:30 I tried to call him myself...his phone was turned off....so I sent him a text message

I'm sorry I'm frustrated right now and I [feel] like talking to you [but] I [don't] feel like I'm getting the chance and that hurts

Last Week...the beginning of the END

PREFACE MOMENT: I continually asked to simply be told not to talk to him anymore...........

Erik left on Monday without so much as a goodbye...

I understand that I was not in a position to expect a goodbye to some extent. However, I also never deserve to be ignored. Monday wasn't that bad once I was able to actually get him to answer my text messages and phone calls. Of course if I could have taken back what I did at about 11:30 that night I would immediately...I accused him of not loving me...and that when he turned off his phone again.

Tuesday wasn't much better...I was able to get him to answer his phone at about 1 pm (when it was finally turned back on) and after being told he was "fucking busy" and that he would "call later" I let it go but asked if he still loved me and was answered in the positive. I waited for that phone call and by 9 pm I was worried something had happened to him so I began calling him without an answer and then his phone was turned off at 10 pm....

Wednesday seemed to be even worse...I couldn't get him to answer from my phone number but using my house phone (a number he didn't have) I got him on the phone again I was told about how he was "fucking busy" and again he would "call later." I let it go and again by 10 pm I still hadn't heard from him. As I had been waiting eight hours for his phone call I felt I could call him and again I was ignored and his phone was turned off...

That night I decided something truly EPIC...

I was done trying to get him to call me. I was done setting myself up for the heartache of being ignored and yelled at.

Thursday I managed to not call or text him all day...but I was curious about his turning his phone off it was about me or about everyone...so I called at 12:30 Friday morning and shockingly his phone was still on but was quickly turned off...I sent him a text message instead....

If you don't want me talking [to] you anymore all you have to do is txt me and say so that's all it'll take

I never received a response........

The Only Place to Start

The beginning........

When Erik and I met he was in a horrible relationship on it's last legs and I was sure that I would never find anyone I could stand being around long enough to even considering being in a relationship with. If I'm completely honest, I was also just out of a undefined relationship with someone I thought I loved and was left and made to watch as he "fell in love." Erik and I met through the very same someone who left me for the "love of his life." While I was attracted to him immediately I was still pining for "someone." Erik says it was love at first sight. Our relationship began immediately following his week long break up and test period to make sure I wasn't a "raging bitch."

We had our honeymoon period and it was amazing. The relationship moved along quickly we were talking about children within the first weeks and the idea of eloping wasn't far behind. We had our problems though and they would generally end up in intense arguments. Unfortunately, those arguments began to occur more and more often until we were fighting every day. They started out as fights about "real" things, things that mattered and made sense to have "heated discussions" about but as the fighting progressed it took less and less to set either of us off. He would feel trapped and I would feel ignored. In the end, "we" (he) decided it would be better to take a break especially after I had a nervous breakdown and ended up in the psych ward (another entry entirely). So we took this break until I "got better" or that was the plan anyway. We didn't exactly stay away from each other during this "break." This back and forth on his part led me to a limbo that I couldn't handle. A situation where I didn't know when I went to bed what my life was going to be when I awoke.

This led to the "confrontation" as I like to refer to it. I forced the situation where we HAD to have the conversation deciding if we would simply end it or if we were actually going to get back together. We had always wanted to "get back together" that was always the plan but now I made him give me guidelines. Goals and time frames to work with. In my head, that was perfect it gave me information and allowed me to work through what we were. And then......

We began fighting again...this was more about needing him and his support and not getting it (mostly because I never communicated that actual need). The not getting it tended to be manifested in him falling asleep in the middle of our conversations. This was something that had happened throughout our relationship and it had always been a problem for me (for what I believe are obvious reasons...). Let me also preface this by saying that the need for him and his support was due to the therapy I was attending in which I was rehashing painful memories of my childhood. BUT we were moving back towards a solid middle ground in fact we went to lunch on a Friday and had an actual discussion where he admitted his falling asleep was something I was allowed to be upset with him about (we'll discuss the fights we would have at a later date). And then....

He was laid off the same day not three hours later. It was difficult for him to handle but I was more than willing to be put off (we had planned on talking about us and where we were going and what I needed after he got off work that day) until the next day considering the situation. Saturday came and I was put off again for supplements and Sunday again this time for a football game. By Monday, we were fighting because I was again feeling ignored and unimportant and he began to actually ignore my phone calls going so far as to turn his phone off. He left town that day...that was six days ago........